Lyrics:

Now, I've got a cousin called Kevin
He's sure to go to heaven
Always spotless, clean and neat
As smooth as you'll get 'em

He's got a fur lined sheepskin jacket
My ma said they cost a packet
But she won't even let me explain
That me and Kevin we're just not the same

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn't
He's his family's pride and joy
His mother's little golden boy

He's got a degree in economics
Maths, physics and bionics
He thinks that I'm a cabbage
'Cause I hate University Challenge

Even at the age of ten
Smart boy Kevin was a smart boy then
He always beat me at Subbuteo
'Cause he 'flicked to kick'
And I didn't know

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn't
He's his family's pride and joy
His mother's little golden boy

His mother bought him a synthesiser
Got the Human League into advise her
Now he's making lots of noise
Playing along with the art school boys

Girls try to attract his attention
But what a shame, it's in vain, total rejection
He will never be left on the shelf
'Cause Kevin, he's in love with himself

Oh, my perfect cousin
What I like to do he doesn't
He's his family's pride and joy
His mother's little golden boy