Lyrics:

This is for my little girl.

My lady gives birth today.
I run to her room right away.
She smiles with glee and hands her to me.
I look at my newborn and say:

Damn, that's a ugly baby!
Damn, that's a ugly-ass baby!
I'm feeling quite concerned,
My semen must have turned,
'Cause, damn, that's a ugly baby.

I can't believe this came from me.
I think her mom did too much LSD.
She's skinny like a twig.
At least her nuts are big...
But the placenta is cuter than she.

Damn, that's a ugly baby!
God damn, that's an ugly-ass baby!
I can't take her home today,
She'll scare the dog away,
'Cause, damn, that's a ugly baby.

And when she smiles, I find,
Shane McGowen comes to mind.
It makes me want to cry
When I look into her good eye.
I always wanted kids;
Is it wrong to hope for SIDS? (audience woos in agreement Fuck you, it's my fuckin' baby!)
Then the doctor calls me in.
'Mr. Lynch, she has a... twin.'

Damn, that's a good-lookin' baby!
One for two on the good-lookin' babies!
I almost start to weep.
Now, this one we can keep,
Cause that was an ugly-ass...

Damn, that's a ugly baby! (C'mon, everybody, sing along!)
Damn, that's an ugly ba- (Sing, fuckers! Come on!)
Damn, that's an ugly baby! (Whoo!)
Damn, that's an ugly baby!

She's got one good tooth, and one ear, and one eye,
And, thank god, just one nose-but it's on her left thigh.
Now, doctor, I am asking you, guy to guy,
Would a really, really, really late-term abortion still fly?
Oh, no! (My baby!) Not me!
I don't want no ugly baby!
I said, damn, that's an ugly baby.
Damn, that's an ugly-ass baby.

Thank you! Goodnight!