Lyrics:

Harold:
Well, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster
Indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.
Well, ya got trouble, my friend.
Right here, I say, trouble right here in River City.
Why, sure, I'm a billiard player,
Certainly mighty proud to say
I'm always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With a cue in my hand are golden.
Help you cultivate horse sense
And a cool head and a keen eye.
J'ever take and try to give
An iron-clad leave to yourself
From a three-rail billiard shot?
But just as I say it takes judgment, brains, and maturity
To score in a balkline game
I say that any boob
Can take and shove a ball in a pocket.
And I call that sloth.
The first big step on the road
To the depths of degrada--
I say, first
Medicinal wine from a teaspoon,
Then beer from a bottle!
And the next thing ya know
Your son is playin' for money in a pinch back suit.
And listenin' to some big outta town jasper
Hearin' him tell about horse-race gamblin'.
Not a wholesome trottin' race, no,
But a race where they set down right on the horse!
Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy
Settin' on Dan Patch? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Now, friends, lemme tell you what I mean.
Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six
Pockets in a table.
Pockets that mark the difference
Between a gentlemen and a bum.
With a capital 'B,'
And that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for pool!
And all week long
Your River City youth'll be fritterin' away,
I say your young men'll be fritterin'.
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too.
Get the ball in the pocket,
Never mind gettin' dandelions pulled
Or the screen door patched, or the beefsteak pounded.
Never mind pumpin' any water
Till your parents are caught
With the cistern empty
On a Saturday night
And that's trouble.
Yes, you got lots and lots of trouble.
I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers,
Shirt-tail young ones,
Peekin' in the pool hall window after school,
Ya got trouble!
Folks!
Right here in River City!
Trouble with a capital 'T'
And that rhymes with 'P'
And that stands for pool.

Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents.
I'm gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know
What kinda conversation goes on
While they're loafin' around that Hall?
They'll be tryin' out Bevo,
Tryin' out cubebs,
Tryin' out tailor mades like cigarette fiends!
And braggin' all about
How they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen.
One fine night
They leave the pool hall,
Headin' for the dance at the Arm'ry.
Libertine men and Scarlet women.
And Rag-time, shameless music
That'll grab your son,
Your daughter
With the arms of a jungle animal instinct.
Mass-steria!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground!
Trouble!

People:
Oh, we got trouble

Harold:
Right here in River City!

People:
Right here in River City

Harold:
With a capital 'T'
And that rhymes with 'P'
And that stands for Pool.

People:
That stands for pool

Harold:
We've surely got trouble!

People:
We've surely got trouble!

Harold:
Right here in River City.

People:
Right here!

Harold:
Gotta figure out a way
To keep the young ones moral after school.

People:
Our children's children gonna have
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble...

Harold:
Mothers of River City,
Heed that warning before it's too late.
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption:
The moment your son leaves the house,
Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers
Below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime novel hidden in the corn crib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes
From Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like...
Like 'swell'?'

People:
Trouble

Harold:
A-ha!
And 'so's your old man'?'

People:
Trouble!

Harold:
Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble!

People:
Oh, we got trouble

Harold:
Right here in River City!

People:
Right here in River City

Harold:
With a capital 'T'
And that rhymes with 'P'
And that stands for Pool.

People:
That stands for pool

Harold:
We've surely got trouble!

People:
We've surely got trouble!

Harold:
Right here in River City.

People:
Right here!

Harold:
Remember the Maine,
Plymouth Rock
And the Golden Rule!

People:
Our children's children gonna have
Trouble, trouble...

Harold:
Oho, we got trouble.
We're in terrible, terrible trouble.
That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil's tool.

People:
Devil's tool

Harold:
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!

People:
Oh yes,
We've got trouble here
We've got big, big trouble

Harold:
With a 'T'!

People:
With a capital 'T'

Harold:
Gotta rhyme it with 'P'.

People:
That rhymes with 'P'

Harold:
And it stands for Pool!

People:
That stands for Pool!