Lyrics:

MUSIC OPEN:
SFX: DOOR BELL:
FEMALE (GRUFF) 'WHAT!'
MALE: (FROM THE OTHER SIDE) 'VALENTINE...'
SFX: LONG FOOTSTEPS / DOOR OPENS.
MALE: 'SIGN HERE. YOU SURE LOOK NICE TODAY....'
DOOR SLAMS CLOSED.
FEMALE: 'WHATEVER...'
MALE: (FROM THE OTHER SIDE) 'HAVE A NICE DAY.'
SFX: UNWRAPPING PAPER. PUTS CASSETTE IN A PLAYER. PUSHES BUTTON TO PLAY.

'MY DEAR SWEET VALENTINE,

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE A BREAK AND FANTASIZE ABOUT YOU A LITTLE BIT. I'VE BEEN DOING THAT A LOT LATELY.
SOMETIMES I REMEMBER SO CLEARLY HOW YOU LOOK... THAT I HAVE TO SPLASH COLD WATER ALL OVER MYSELF. SOMETIMES IT RUINS MY CLOTHES.'

CREEPY, CREEPY THAT'S MY MIDDLE NAME.
TICK TOCK WATCH THE CLOCK IT'S KINDA LIKE A GAME.
GOT UP THIS MORNING THINKIN' EVERYTHING WAS FINE,
BUT THEN THE DEVIL MADE ME SEND A STALKER VALENTINE.

SO AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU ON MY MIND, I MIGHT AS WELL SAY, 'HELLO...
IT'LL BE THE LAST TIME I CAN SAY THAT FROM THIS ADDRESS. BECAUSE I'M MOVING. I HAVE TO MOVE NOW BECAUSE I'VE WRITTEN YOUR NAME ALL OVER THE WALLS IN RED PAINT AND IT WON'T COME OFF. EVERY TIME I SEE IT, IT MAKES ME THINK OF YOU. BECAUSE, WELL IT'S YOUR NAME.

I'M THINKING OF YOU RIGHT NOW, AND I CAN FEEL THE TEARS WELLING UP INSIDE THAT LITTLE PINK GLAND INSIDE MY EYE. HERE THEY COME, RUNNING DOWN OVER MY CLOWN MAKEUP. I'M WIPING THEM AWAY NOW. I'M GETTING A SNOTTY NOSE. MORE TEARS. MORE SNOT. I'M WIPING MY NOSE WITH THAT SILK HANDKERCHIEF I STOLE FROM YOUR APARTMENT WHEN YOU WERE IN PHOENIX WITH THAT GUY KEVIN LAST YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I THINK IT'S RUINED NOW.

PEOPLE THEY DON'T LIKE ME MUCH, THEY TELL ME I'M A PUNK.
DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME BABY ,KEEPS ME IN A FUNK.
WELL, JUST LIKE HUMPTY DUMPTY I'M UP HERE ON THE WALL
WAITIN' TO GIVE MY VALENTINE ANOTHER CREEPY CALL. OH, YEAH.

BLOOD! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? WAIT! THAT WAS NO SILK HANDKERCHIEF! IT WAS A FREAKING HAMMER! WHY DID I WIPE MY NOSE WITH A FREAKING HAMMER! JEEZ! I AM SO STUPID! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! (COUGH) CAN'T STOP THE BLEEDING... GOTTA GOOOO... WEAK FROM LOSS OF BLOOD. FADING. MUST SAY LAAASSSST WORDS... . I, I..., I LO..., LO..., LOV... (TELEPHONE RING) OOPS! THERE GOES THE PHONE. GOTTA GO NOW . CALL YA LATER.

JUST CAN'T WAIT TO CALL AGAIN, I THINK SHE LIKES MY SPUNK
CAN'T YOU SEE SHE KINDA DIGS ME MAN, SHE THINKS I'M QUITE A HUNK.
AND OH, THOSE BIG BROWN EYES, SHE'S LOOKIN' MIGHTY FINE
IT KINDA MAKES ME WANNA SEND A STALKER VALENTINE. OH YEAH.

(SFX: TOSSES CASSETTE INTO A METAL GARBAGE CAN.) FEMALE: 'LOSER....'