Lyrics:

I'll tell you a story, believe me, it's true.
A tale you best hope never happens to you.
Old Spicy McHaggis, how he met his fate.
You I can save, but for him it's too late.

Spicy was big, burly and strong. His pipes were gigantic,
and so was his schlong!
From city to city, running around,
always looking for chicks over four hundred pounds

One night at the pub, a girl caught his eye,
big as a house, just the right size.
the broad was enormous, stacked to the hilt,
Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt.
The piper delivered his best pick-up line,
thought to himself,