Lyrics:

Now this is about a guy you might remember from high school --

Lynch: Harmonica.
Teich: (imitates harmonica)

Lynch: More harmonica.
Teich: (imitates harmonica)

Lynch: (after a pause) Bassoon.
Teich: And you're a cocksucker.
Lynch: Thank you.

Lynch: I got my 12-sided die and I'm ready to roll with a wizard and my goblin crew.
My friends are comin' over to my mom's basement, bringin' Funyuns and Mountain Dew.
Teich: I got a big broadsword made outta cardboard, and the stereo's a-pumpin' Zeppelin --
Lynch: (in falsetto) Whole lotta love --
Teich: It's that time of the night, we turn on the black light,
Both: Let the Dungeons and the Dragons begin -- IT'S DD!
Teich: Fightin' with the legends of yore.
Both: IT'S DD!
Teich: Never kissed a lady before.
Lynch: Nope.
Both: Whoo!

Lynch: Play us a little gui-tar, Teichy, come on.
Teich: (picks up a small guitar and, after a long pause, plucks one string) Did you see that?
Lynch: Yeah!

Lynch: Now the Lord of the Rings, the Dark Crystal and things, we use these as a reference tool,
Teich: And when we put on our cloaks and tell warlock jokes, WE'RE THE COOLEST KIDS IN THE SCHOOL!
Lynch: (under his breath) No we're not.
Teich: (also under his breath) I know.
Lynch: Now Teich's a real bastard, but a fair dungeon master; he's got hit points and charisma to lend,
Teich: And I rehearse in my room, or what I call the dragon's tomb, when I'm not out with my girl friend.
Both: It's DD!

(Teich keeps singing, but Lynch stops short)
Lynch: Oh hold on, I'm sorry, hold on one second. Dude, come on.
Teich: What?
Lynch: Seriously!
Teich: What?
Lynch: You got a fuckin' girlfriend? 'Dungeon Master'?
Teich: Yeah, all right, I do, I have a girlfriend. I do! I have a girlfriend ... ahhhh, I don't have a girlfriend.

Both: It's DD!
Lynch: Summoning the demons of hell,
Both: It's DD!
Teich: When our shift ends at the Taco Bell.

(Lynch's brother Drew comes onstage)

Lynch: Well, my medieval brother, there's room here for another, would you care to take a roll of the die?
Drew: Now listen to my words, you guys are fucking nerds, I'd rather stick that sword in my eye!
Lynch: Wow!
Drew: You're not a warrior strong! Your fucking wand is a bong! There's no such thing as a gnome or a sprite!
Both: We put a spell on thee!
Drew: (laughing) You guys are too much for me, ha ha ha ...
Both: (after a long pause to glare at him) That's what your mama said last night.
All: It's DD!
Lynch: Warriors who terrify
All: It's DD!

All: Virgins till the day we-e-e-e-e--eeeee-AH
(all freakiness ensues)

Lynch: 1, 2, FUCK YOU!
All: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!