Lyrics:

(There's things I don't wanna be misconstrued in my act, that I feel often are.
I don't want you all leaving my show thinking that I think I know better than people, or that I think I'm better than people in general.
I just wanted to put that out there.)
Anyway, this is a song from the perspective of God.

The books you think I wrote are way too thick.
Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?
And I don't watch you when you sleep.
Surprisingly I don't use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep

You're not going to heaven
Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you?
None of you are going to heaven
There's a trillion aliens cooler than you

You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to
You shouldn't rape 'cause rape is a fucked up thing to do
(Pretty obvious, just don't fucking rape people, didn't think I had to write that one down for you)

I don't think masturbation is obscene
It's absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen
You make my job a living hell
I sent gays to fix overpopulation
And boy did that go well

You're not going to heaven
Eat a thousand crackers sing a million hymns
None of you are going to heaven
You're not my children
You're just a bad game of Sims

You shouldn't abstain from pork just 'cause you think that I want you to
You can eat pork 'cause why the fuck would I give a shit?
(I created the universe, think I'd draw the line at the fucking deli aisle?)

You argue and you bicker and you fight
Atheists and catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night
Over what they think is true
No one entertains the thought of maybe God does not believe in you
You pray so badly for heaven
Knowing any day might be the day that you die
But maybe life on earth could be heaven
Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try

My love's the type of thing you have to earn and when you earn it
You won't need it [x2]

I'm not gonna give you love just 'cause I know that you want me to
If you want love then the love's gotta come from you